


Habits

by saffrondawn



Series: But it's not quite right [2]
Category: Shameless (US)
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-09-03
Updated: 2014-09-03
Packaged: 2018-02-15 23:45:05
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 760
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2247858
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/saffrondawn/pseuds/saffrondawn
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>When Ian started therapy, the therapist recommended he start to journal whenever he felt a case of extreme emotion. The therapist reasoned that writing something down uses a different language capacity than speaking about it. And since Ian couldn't talk to his therapist every second of every day, he would be experiencing therapy by helping himself.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Habits

**Author's Note:**

> Inspired by Tove Lo's "Habits" and the fact that the radio station I've been listening to on repeat really enjoys this song.

When Ian started therapy, the therapist recommended he start to journal whenever he felt a case of extreme emotion. The therapist reasoned that writing something down uses a different language capacity than speaking about it. And since Ian couldn't talk to his therapist every second of every day, he would be experiencing therapy by helping himself.

He didn't journal at first. He couldn't figure out how it was supposed to work. He held out for a few weeks before Mickey convinced him he wouldn't be offended if Ian didn't tell him everything. It relieved some pressure that Ian didn't realize he had been holding.

It began with the extreme emotions, slowly dissolving into his thoughts in general. Little by little as he adjusted back to life in Southside, to living permanently in the Milkovich house, to seeing the Gallaghers every other day, Ian noticed changes in how his brain was working.

He would see a flicker of something, and it would bring back some hazy feelings. He didn't understand it until he tracked it. He was remembering the time between enlisting and Mickey finding him in the club.

He took great care to hide his journal from Mickey, and he knew his boyfriend saw it. Once, he caught Mickey look like he was going to confront him, but he didn't. Ian appreciated it, and he knew he would tell Mickey about what he was writing, but at the moment, he had to deal with it on his own.

He remembered spotting the helicopter, and wanting to challenge Mickey to fly it. When he turned to say something, no one was there. So Ian shrugged, and went along with the challenge. He didn't account for his lack of piloting ability (it was definitely different from video games), but attempting to fly was worth it.

He remembered finding Monica shortly afterward. It had been entirely by accident. There happened to be working nearby each other, and feasted on a box of Twinkies for their night's reward. He remembered her holding him as he fell asleep, her hand stroking his hair as he told her about Mickey, and how he could see him at Basic, and sometimes, he spots him on the street.

After that, Monica started to bring him things. Little pills in packets, little trinkets from her favorite people as she used to say. Ian would take it, and he would forget for a while. He started to tell the difference among the product – which would make him forget longer about the hands he would clasp or the scent that was hidden beneath the cigarette they would share, or which one would allow him to forget just long enough to pick up some cash.

He remembered the first time Monica suggested he go for the older crowd since all of his previous partners were older. Except Mickey, he thought before shaking his head and following her lead. Sometimes, he would trick his mind into thinking he could live like this the rest of his life. But then those moments would come back. The little flickers that would remind him of Mickey, or Mandy, or the sight of himself in a mirror that reminded him of Debbie's equally ginger hair, or the crackhead downstairs who carried a hunting knife that Ian contemplated stealing for Carl.

There are moments when he contemplated returning home. He doesn't, but he sensed the reason why he took a job in Boystown was to be close to the Gallaghers. And maybe hope that Mickey would come out of his shell enough to visit one of the gay clubs.

When his therapist asked if he wanted to share what Ian had been writing, he debated whether or not he should have bring Mickey in, so he could read it in front of him. Instead, Ian waited for Mickey to come home early.

He was sitting on their bed, his journal sitting where Mickey put his beer whenever he brought it into the bedroom. Mickey walked in, and started talking about something. Ian swallowed hard, and watched his boyfriend talking more than usual, and he debated whether or not this was a good idea.

Finally, Mickey realized Ian's silence, and looked at him. Ian glanced over at the journal, and Mickey followed. He walked over, picked it up, and sat down next to Ian. Before opening it, Ian put his hand over Mickey's and the journal.

“I missed you,” Ian said, like it was the only explanation for his actions to the person he loved most in the world.


End file.
